A COLLECTION OF BAWDY TALES

(From F&F#65 May 2008)

Storytellers sometimes discuss the likely properties of the first stories ever told, or the most popular types of stories. They might not like to admit it but the answer to both questions may well be bawdy stories! I’ll bet you can remember the ones which circulated when you were at school… about the girl called Fuckerada and so on… The earliest collections from Boccaccio, Chaucer, the 1001 Tales all include a goodly selection. Here are a few more from various places and various times:

The Girl Who Was Warned Not to Lose Her Virginity
Translated and adapted by Martin Murrell

Once upon a time a girl was invited to a wedding. She was a little dim-witted, and you couldn’t always trust her to do what she said she’d do. So her mother was always telling her to take special care of her virginity and not do anything silly that might cause her to lose it. It was especially easy for light-headed young maidens to behave recklessly at wedding receptions. And the boys could be so demanding after a few beers.

“Yes, yes,” she said. “I’ll certainly look after my virginity and let no one take it from me.” So off she went to the wedding and kept apart from the other guests and didn’t dance or drink.

Now there happened to be a boy at the reception who knew her and liked her. She was, after all, a good-looking, spirited young woman. He went over to her and asked her why she kept herself to herself and neither joined in the dancing nor helped herself to a drink.

“Yes, well, I’ll tell you,” said the girl. “My mother told me to take good care of my virginity and make sure no nasty boy tried to take it away from me at the wedding.”

“Oh, is that all?” said the boy. “Look, if you like, I can sew you up so that your virginity can’t fall out. Then you’ll be able to dance and drink and have a great time, just like all the other girls.”

“Oo, that sounds good,” replied the girl. So they went up to a room at the top of the house, and there he proceeded to sew her up nice and tight. He went on as long as he could until he could go on no longer.

“No, don’t stop,” cried the girl. “I want you to sew me some more.”

“I can’t any more,” he groaned.

“Why not?” she asked.

“I’ve no more thread,” he said.

“Rubbish,” she retorted. “You’ve got two large balls of it down there.”

Translator’s note:
This traditional tale, known in a number of European countries and beyond, is a typical example of the older bawdy genre of stories. My English telling is based on a Norwegian version first recorded in the 1830s.

There was a widow in Westmoreland who had no daughter but one
And she has prayed both night and day the girl might keep her maidenhead long.
“Oh don't be daft, dear mother,” she said, “and say no more to me,
For a fine young man in the Grenadier Guards me maidenhead's taken from me.”
“You saucy cat, you impudent cat, then cursed may you be
If some idle young rogue in the Grenadier Guards your maidenhead's taken from thee.”

So the gal is off to the grenadier guard as fast as go could she,
Saying, “Give me back me maidenhead for me mommy she nags at me.”
So he kissed her and undressed her and he laid her on the bed
And he put her head where her feet was before and so give back her maidenhead.
And then he kissed her and he dressed her with a rose in either hand
And invited her round to St Mary's Church to see his fine wedding.

So the gal lit off to her mummy's house as fast as go could she.
“I'm as whole a maiden, mother dear, as the day that you bore me.
For he kissed me and undressed me and he laid me on the bed
And he put me head where me feet was before and so give back me maidenhead.
Then he kissed me and he dressed me with a rose in either hand
And invited me round to St Mary's Church to see his fine wedding.”
“Oh never on foot,” the mother she said, “and a carriage-and-pair you'll ride
And four-and-twenty fine young girls should go with you beside.”

“Oh who is this,” the bride she said, “that comes so high to me?
Oh I see it is the widow's daughter who ran home and told her mummy.
How could she do it, how would she do it? How could she do it for shame?
Eleven long nights I lay with a man and I never told anyone.”
“If eleven long nights you lay with a man, you never shall lie with me.
Oh, I'd rather marry the widow's daughter who ran home and told her mummy.”

Francis James Child did not include this ballad in his collection. He was sent a copy but he omitted it because he felt it offended against the prevailing standard of decency. (It wasn't the only song to meet this fate.)

The Golfer and the Genie

A husband took his wife to play her first round of golf. Nervous, the wife hacked her first shot right through the window of the largest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that had been done: glass was all over the place and an antique lamp was lying broken on its side near the smashed window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

"Yes, sir. We're sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that lamp for a thousand years. Now that you've released me I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million pounds a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?"

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that lamp and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Oh, that’s difficult… but we both now have a fortune, and all those houses... What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

" No kidding?" he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

The Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one thing bothering me… It was her beautiful sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day this ‘little’ sister called and asked me to go over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me, just once, before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold! my entire future family was standing, all applauding! With tears in his eyes my father-in-law hugged me and said "We are very happy that you have passed our test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

Groucho Marx had had a Japanese gardener but at the beginning of the war he had been interned, so Groucho did the gardening himself. One day a lady came by in a chauffeur-driven car, stopped and admired the garden and asked Groucho how much he was paid for his work because, she said, she’d like him to go and work for her. “Oh, I don’t get paid anything” said Groucho, “but the lady of the house lets me sleep with her!”

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